Hajj Hussein Obama and Mullahs: A Love Story

In these days, Iranians can see many tragicomic and laughable things, and one of the best ways for talking about these laughable issues, is writing a short story about it. What you read here, is a fictional story about these days. Sometimes a fictional story can show us more truths, more and better than the true stories. So, lets read a fictional story, “Hajj Hussein Obama and Mullahs: A Love story”, that is based on some true stories:

In the White House, the US president is listening to Robert, one of his advisors. Robert: “Mr. president, our secret talks with the Mullahs are great. They are really so eager to help us in the November election (2012 election). They love you, and praise you a lot. Our Mullah friends and our Basiji brothers in Iran love you, and call you Hajj Hussein‘. In Iran, when the Mullahs and the Basiji want to express their appreciation for your help, they call you ‘Hajji’. The high rank Basjis are called ‘Hajji’. So, they think you are like a high rank Basiji, and they love you as their commander. Oh, can I call you Hajj Hussein, too, Mr. President?” Hajj Hussein: “No problem” Robert: “Ok. Hajj Hussein, the Mullahs are very grateful. They just ask us to aid them in silencing Iranians”. Hajj Hussein: “But we have already aided them in killing and torturing the Iranians, and our companies sold them the tools of suppression and all they asked for. And now, some Chinese and Jewish companies sell our tools of suppression to them, isn’t it enough?” Robert: “They really appreciate your efforts and your help. They are so grateful for all your help. But they just need more tools of suppression and surveillance, and just ask us not to stop aiding them in silencing Iranians. It’s in our national interests, too. Unfortunately, the majority of Iranians know the truth. They know we have betrayed them. They know the truth, and they are a threat for our national security” Hajj Hussein: “A threat for our national security? come on man. You should repeat this kind of bullshits only in frond of our people and the press, not here, in frond of me. Oh, are our Mullah friends and our Basiji brothers really ready to aid me? I want to be sure about it” Robert: “Mr. president, you can be sure that our Mullah friends are so eager to help you. We should not worry about the 2012 election” Hajj Hussein: “Do our Mullah friends want any special thing?” Robert: No. They just want to be free to kill and torture the Iranians” Hajj Hussein: “I can guarantee that we have no problem with this issue” Robert: “OK. They also want more Green Cards for the high rank Mullahs and their families, specially for the Mullah embezzlers and the Mullah terrorists. They are really happy that you allowed a Mullah terrorist to work for the Princeton University. They think it’s a very hopeful sign. They also are very happy that you allowed the Mullah state TV to be here in Washington . They know that it’s very important, and they are very grateful for all your help. And that’s why they repeatedly tell me: ‘We love Hajj Hussein’. They just ask for more facilities for the Mullah TV in Washington” Hajj Hussein: “OK, no problem at all. The Mullah TV still can work here in Washington, without any problem. We only want to hurt the Iranian people, not the Mullahs. Our Mullah friends can have more admissions from our universities. Our Mullah friends and our Basiji brothers can go to Europe, Canada, and also the US without any problem. Our sanctions only should hurt the ordinary Iranians, not our Mullah friends and our Islamist brothers in Iran. That Mullah in the Princeton University is like those Mullahs in the Harvard University, and many other Mullahs in the US. I love them all. They are like the lefts, and they really try to help us” Robert: “Of course, the left and someone like Chomsky can fool many people, but our Mullah friends …” Hajj Hussein: “Yah, the lefts are more powerful, they helped us and our Mullah friends a lot in 2009. The Mullahs are not as powerful as the left, but they can be useful, too. I love both the left and the Mullah” Robert: “But the Iranian people are angry at us. They hate both the Mullahs and the left, and now they’ve started hating us. It can be dangerous. They know we aided the Mullahs in killing them. They know our sanctions only hurt them, not our Mullah friends. It can be dangerous” Hajj Hussein: “No, it’s not dangerous. Who care about Iranians? Our media know their job well. Don’t worry. No one will hear the voice of Iranians inside Iran. Just call our Islamist friends in Iran, and ask them what they need for silencing the Iranian people, and also for aiding me in winning the election. I just want to be sure that they have all they need” Robert: “OK. I check it with our Islamist friends in Tehran”


In Tehran, a high rank Mullah, known as Hajji, is talking with Robert on the phone. Hajji: “Mr. Robert, I’m sorry that this phone line is a bit broken, you know, we had a rainy day. And for answering to your questions, I should say that we were very impressed by Hajj Hussein’s attention. We are really grateful for all his help. The VOA and Radio Farda (RF) have become our media, and it’s very good. We are grateful for what the VOA and RF have done in the past three years. We are very happy that the VOA and RF work with our agents or our best friends, specially the Iranian Monarchists. We are very happy that the VOA and RF have lost much of their audience in Iran, and we are very grateful that you don’t care about the waste of your people’s money. The VOA and RF and their policies towards Iran are very useful for keeping the Islamist regime safe. They have expelled our enemies from the VOA and RF, and we are grateful for it. We are really grateful that you have started to care about the Iranian Monarchists, who are our best friends. When your media claim that they are our opposition, while our people and all humans hate them, it helps us a lot. I’m very happy that your media know how they should support us. They know that we should not have any real or serious opposition. You are great, and we are very grateful” Robert: “Thanks Hajji. What do you think about the Iranian opposition media in the US? Are you happy with the way they work?” Hajji: “Oh, yah. They have helped us a lot. I’m very grateful that you support them financially or politically. Now, our people don’t care about the opposition media, and I’m very happy that you don’t allow Iranians to develop any alternative to our beloved opposition media. It’s good that Balatarin.com has become the home of the Islamist, the Pahlavist and Rajavists. It’s what we had asked for it. But if Balatarin.com and other media can talk more about Khatami, Khazali, Behnoud, Nourizad, and other Basiji agents, we would be very grateful” Robert: “Who is this Khazali? Is he that Basiji terrorist that your people call him ‘Baby Godzilla’?” Hajji: “Yah, ‘Mehdi Godzilla’ is one of our old agents, since the time of Chain Murders” Robert: “And who are these Behnoud and Nourizad?” Hajji: “Behnoud is a veteran journalist that works for us, since 1978. And Nourizad is a Basiji thug that tries to help Khatami, Behnoud and other agents” Robert:” OK, just send me the full list of your agents that you want us to work with them in the VOA, RF, and other American media and the Iranian opposition media. Just write a brief description and a brief biography for each agent” Hajji: “OK. Of course, we don’t have any problem with the Iranian opposition media, and they listen to our orders, but if you can emphasizes the importance of some issues, it would be better” Robert: “OK. Do you have any other request?” Hajji: “No. my Basiji brothers have already talked with you about the surveillance tools, the sanctions, our TV in Washington, our agents in the US, and other things. So, there is not any other serious issue. But I’m worry about the Iranian people and the American people and their reactions. Can Hajj Hussein control the Americans?” Robert: “Don’t worry about the Americans. We and Hajj Hussein know how we should control our people. Our people listen to us and our media. They are good sheep. They are not like your people” Hajji: “OK. We and our Basiji brothers believe that ‘Hajj Hussein’ is a real Basiji. Please send our special message to Mr. President: Hajj Hussein Obama, we love you. Your Basiji brothers and your Mullah friends really love you, Hajj Hussein


Now, in the White House, Robert is reporting to Hajj Hussein: “Mr. President, the Mullahs were very grateful. They clearly told me that ‘Hajj Hussein is a real Basiji. We love Hajj Hussein’, and I think they try to show their appreciation of all your help. They love you” Hajj Hussein: “OK. You can tell them that I love them, too. I love the Mullahs, or as they say: ‘Hajj Hussein loves the Mullahs and the Basiji‘. Oh, what did our Mullah friends say about their needs?” Robert: “They just asked for some help about the Iranian opposition media and the Iranian journalists, and I can handle it” Hajj Hussein: “OK. Are they aware of our policy towards the Iranian media?” Robert: “Yah, they are very grateful for your help and what the VOA, Radia Farda and the Iranian opposition media do. They know that we don’t allow any Iranian to develop any alternative to the current Iranian opposition media, and they are really grateful. They know that our media and the Iranian opposition media have become the voice of Mullahs and Mercenaries, not the voice of the people, and they are very grateful” Hajj Hussein: “What do our Mullah friends think about our new sanctions? Are they really happy?” Robert: “Oh, yah, they are really happy and grateful. They know that our sanctions only hurt their people. They love our sanctions, and our sanctions make them billionaire. Our Basiji friends even ask for more sanctions. They really want more sanctions” Hajj Hussein: “Really? I can give them more sanctions” Robert: “But I don’t think it’s a good idea. While we make love with the Mullahs, the world and the people can see the depth of our hypocrisy” Hajj Hussein: “Don’t worry. The world is like the US, the home of the good sheep. If the world, the Americans and other people had wanted to see our true colors and the depth of our hypocrisy, they would have seen it in 2009” Robert: “But even our Mullah friends worry about the American people and public opinion” Hajj Hussein: “You should tell them that the American people are good sheep, and our media and our intellects can control the people. Our media and our intellects can play the role of ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ very well. We can control our Sheeple. Our people are not like their people” Robert: “Yah, It’s exactly what I told them. But, to be honest, I worry about the people, too. What would happen if the people can see the truth?” Hajj Hussein: “Don’t worry. No one in the US can see the truth. If they had wanted to see the truth, they would have seen it in 2009. And who cares about Iranians? Oh, do our Mullah friends really love my political rhetoric and my threats? What do they think about my policy towards Syria?” Robert: “They really love you and your policies. They believe that empty words and hollow threats are a godsend for them. They love your political rhetoric, and praise your policy towards Syria” Hajj Hussein: “So, they know politics. It’s good. Oh, what do the Iranian people say in the recent days?” Robert: “They know that we only care about the 2012 election. They are angry. They say our Syrian policy is another shameful sign of … But I can’t repeat their words” Hajj Hussein: “OK. Is everything ready for the nuclear talks and the nuclear deal”. Robert: “Don’t worry, sir. The secret talks, the secret plans, the secret relations, and everything are OK. We should not worry about the 2012 election. The sheep would love their shepherd”


In Tehran, and in the Basij headquarters, the high rank Basiji thugs are very happy, and as Iranians say: “there is a wedding in their ass”. The Hajji say: “God bless Hajj Hussein Obama. Everything’s going fine. The sanctions, the threats, the talks, and the deals are great. We all should pray for Hajj Hussein and his success. If Hajj Hussein hadn’t supported us in 2009, now the people would have toppled us, or we would have been forced to give some big concessions to the people. But Hajj Hussein saved us. Just imagine if Hajj Hussein had put pressure on us in 2009, when the people had asked for help, or if he had imposed today’s sanctions and restrictions in 2009, what would have happened to us and our regime. God bless you, Hajj Hussein” The Hajji’s close friend, known as Hajj Abbas, says: “Yah, Hajj Hussein is really our best friend, even better than Reagan and Bush who helped us in the 1980s, in the Iran-Contra. Hajj Hussein is a real angel, and our Master (Khamenei) should aid him in winning the 2012 election” The Hajji: “Oh, yah, Iranians hate Hajj Hussein Obama and laugh at him, but we love him. So, we should support Hajj Hussein as much as possible. He is our best friend. Hajj Abbas, do you know what the people say about Obama?” Hajj Abbas: “Yah, the Iranian people really hate him. They say that Hajj Hussein showed them many things, the true colors of many things” The Hajji: “Do you think we should change our policy, or we still can play with public opinion and we still can pretend that the US and Hajj Hussein are our enemy?” Hajj Abbas: “The people have become aware, and it’s hard to fool them again. I have heard that the people say: ‘Hajj Hussein is worse than Khatami and other baboons. He thinks Iranians are like Americans, who are the good sheep. But can the Americans forget and forgive Bin Laden? and can the Jews forgive and forget Hitler? No. Iranians will never forget and forgive Hajj Hussein Obama‘. I think we can’t use Khatami, Behnoud, Kosar, Mehdi Godzilla, and other Islamist agents any longer. The people know their true faces, and they can’t fool the people any longer. We need new agents and new plans” The Hajji: “How can we fool the people again?” Hajj Abbas: “I don’t know. Thinking about this issue make me depressed” The Hajji: “Come on man, don’t get depressed about it. Let’s talk about good things, like raping people, killing people, embezzling money, or the US sanctions that have made us billionaire. How much money you have earned in these months? The black market is great, and I have earned good money” Hajj Abbas: “Yah, god bless Hajj Hussein. I have earned good money, too. Hajj Hussein is a real Basiji. Let me see, Iranians hated us, while they loved the US, but now Hajj Hussein forces Iranians to hate the US, and we should change our Mullah model. We can think about Saudi model. Of course, our leftist friends love our Mullah model, not Saudi model, but we are forced to think about Saudi model: The rulers love the US and the US loves them, but the ordinary people hate the US, and the US doesn’t care about the people. It’s a good model” The Hajji: “Yah, the Saudi model is a good model. But Iranians are not like the Saudi people, and it’s our main problem. The Saudi people love Islamists, while Iranians hate Islamists. And the world thinks we are enemy of the US. How can the US and our leftist friends justify this paradox and their behaviors towards Iranians?” Hajj Abbas: “I don’t know. We should try to justify this paradox, too. And it gives me a headache. I have a headache now” The Hajji: “Oh, no, let’s enjoy our life, and f-u-c-k the people who give us a bad headache” Hajj Abbas: “Yah, f-u-ck Iran and Iranians. Long live Arabs. God bless Hajj Hussein” The Hajji: “Yah, Iran and the ordinary Iranians hate him, but his Arab and Islamist brothers love him. We love you, Hajj Hussein Obama”

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