Happy New Year, smoky version

It’s the first days of 2012. The Valiasr street is grey and black. It’s not a literal interpretation or any other literal bullshit, it’s really grey and black. The smoke and the smoky weather are killing Kia, and he really feels that his head has been fixed in front of a huge exhaust pipe. And it’s not a literal interpretation, too. Kia really feels the taste and smell of the black smoke and the smoky air. In fact, what you read here is not a literal short story, it’s just a shitty smoky short story about a smoky shitty day in Tehran. I’m sorry that this imaginary story is a little black or smoky; it’s just like the current days here, in Iran. But you know, no one even apologizes to us for this smoky hell. The creator of this smoky hell (Mullahs, Iranian baboons, and western politicians) are the most shameless people in our planet. “When you live here, you live in the true dark world, not in the imaginary dark world of the artists or the writers”, Kia tells himself. He is trying to take a walk in the beautiful street of Valiasr, that part of it is like the streets of New York and part of it is like the streets of Paris, but now it just seems like a shitty street that is full of the black smoke. Kia wants to go to an “Artists Gathering” in Tehran. When Kia reaches the building, he just feels the smoke and the headache, and can not see Mina. But Mina sees him and says hi. She is a happy girl who is always happy, even in the smoky weather. “How are doing Kia? Happy new year, boy. Have you heard that 2012 is the end of the world?”, Mina says. “Hi, what are you doing here in this shitty smoky weather? but it’s really good that you are here, otherwise I would have a two hour headache with these stupid Khayemals (ass-kissers) here”, Kia says. Mina: “Last night we had a party, and one of my friends said about today’s gathering. I thought I can see you and others here. Have you heard that 2012 is the end of the world? It’s said that the Mullahs and Obama would create the end of the world”. Kia: “Why you never ask others to join you in the parties?” Mina: “I asked you once, but you said ‘I don’t like these stupid parties”, have you forgotten that?” Kia: “Yah, Yah. I’m stupid. But I really can’t understand how you can be happy here, even in this shitty weather, when everything is grey and black; when almost everything is shitty and smoky” Mina: “I don’t know. Maybe because I forget everything. Just closed your eyes and live your life. Just enjoy your life. Have you heard that 2012 is the end of the world?” Kia: “Why you repeat this stupid question. It’s what the idiots say about 2012. Forget it, and just live your life. I don’t know why you can forget everything, but not the stupidest things of this shitty world. Mina, do you know that you have the best job of the world? ‘A rich father is the best job of the world’, some of these idiots, the thinkers, once said. It’s a clean job, not as dirty as the embezzlement and the kissing ass. The idiot father does these dirty jobs. You can be happy and enjoy this shitty life”. Mina: “Do you think it’s a bad thing that I’m happy and I don’t want to kill myself?” Kia: “No, No. When I say that?” Mina: “OK, what are you doing here? You hate most of these guys”. “Because I don’t have the best job of the world. It’s the shortest possible answer. The money is the problem that you don’t understand it, and I don’t care about it. But it makes you happy, while it screws me. Sometimes I’m forced to do something about it. Here, there is a chance for the money and other stuff” Mina: “So, lets go inside”

Kia: “Most of people in the gathering are those who kiss the Mullahs’ ass for earning money. These Khayemals (ass-kissers) work for the Mullah state TV, and other Mullah organizations, but they look like the ordinary people, not the Mullahs and the Islamists. They believe they just get their own share of the oil money by kissing the ass. They are like the artists or the intellects in New York, Paris, or London, but most of them are Khayemal” Mina: “Yah, but do you think I can say a happy new year to these guys? It’s a good idea or not?” Kia: “They are hypocrite idiots. They are not religious people, but they are Khayemal, and here they prefer to talk about Islam and Muslims, but outside of here, they flirt with girls, do drugs, and sleep with the Islamist prostitutes or the naive girls”. Mina: “Oh, look at that famous filmmaker and the TV host. He tries to kiss the hands of a Mullah. It’s so disgusting.” Kia: “This stupid bastard is a great Khayemal like the rest of them. I think this gathering would be a great headache for me” Mina: “Oh, it’s Farid. He is coming here. Hi, Farid” Kia: “Oh, and this is Mr. great Khayemal, hi Bahman”. Bahman: “hi, Mina. Kia can you watch your mouth here, specially in front of a lady” Kia: “Don’t worry about the lady. You should only try to kiss the Mullahs’ ass” Farid: “Hi you guys. What are you doing here? I don’t expect to see you here”. Mina: “I come here to see you and Kia and others.” Kia: “Hi, Farid. I’m here for solving the greatest problem of all times: the money” Farid: “Should we talk about this matter now or what?” Kia: “No, not now”. Farid: “OK, now I prefer to show here to Mina. Do you want to come with us?” Kia :”Ah…” Mina: “Kia, if you don’t want to come with us, just stay here until I come back” Kia: “OK. I wait here. But please not be late. If the headache kills me, I leave here and go home.” Farid: “If you can wait one hour, I can talk to some guys about you, and then we can talk about the money and other stuff”. When Mina and Farid leave Kia, he is forced to talk to Bahman, an old friend. He is interested in talking about 2012 and the end of the world. Bahman: “I think the world should end in 2012. It can solve all problems. It’s the real solution.” Kia: “Solution? Are you nuts? Why do you care about the shamans and the prophecy and other bullshits and think it can solve the problems?” Bahman: “As you know, the humans and the world have many problems. But the humans can’t solve these horrible problems. They are greedy and stupid. The humans should pay the price of their greed and stupidity.” Kia: “Do you think all the greedy idiots should die?” Bahman:” Yah, all humans, all greedy idiots, should die” Kia: “Are you a Nazi or Fascist or something like this? Hitler said these bullshits, man” Bahman: “Hitler was a great man. He knew the real problems and wanted to solve all problems” Kia: “By mass murder? You know what, 2010s is like 1930s, and you Bahman can be a new Hitler, think about it” Bahman: “many people in the US and Europe want to solve the today’s problems like what the Nazis and Fascists did in 1930s. I’m just one of them”. Kia: “Yah, but are you happy that you are one of these idiots?” Bahman: “They are not idiot. They live in the west and are very modern. They are more modern than us here.” Kia: “Oh, no. You only should kiss the Mullahs’ ass. Forget the west’s ass.” Bahman: “You don’t know the rules of the game, and also the real solutions of the real problems” Kia: “When we were young, I told you that you could cure yourself and your diseases. But now only God and his miracles can save you. Oh, Instead of these bullshits, lets take a walk and see others”.


When Farid comes back, Mina is not with him. Kia: “Where is Mina?” Farid: “She found some of her friends, but she asked me to tell you that you should wait for her. Are you alone?” Kia: “She enjoys her life, and who can blame her. I left others. I wanted to leave here, too. It was a great headache” Farid: “I talked to some guys, but you know …” Kia: “Yah, the old problem” Farid: “Yah, they only work with Khayemals, and as you can see, here is full of Khayemals. Those who believe the key to success is ‘kissing ass'” Kia: “Yah, I’m totally disappointed, too” Farid: “But if you want, I can arrange a meeting with some of those high rank guys. They have the power and the money, but they have their own rules and their own games” Kia: “Forget it. They can go to hell and f-u-c-k themselves. Just look at the corps of the Khayemals, it’s so disgusting”. Farid: “So, what do you want to do? The money is a very important issue. What’s your plan?” Kia: “I don’t know. Maybe, I should use the plan B and the plan C” Farid: “What is this plan B or C” Kia: “Plan B is what I should think about it, and Plan C is very simple: ‘lets get rid of this shitty world and this shitty life for ever'” Farid: “We can work on the Plan B. Have you heard about what the stupid Obama and other idiots have imposed on the people? what will happen in 2012?” Kia: “Obama is a jerk. It’s so obvious that they just want to destroy here more, and make their companies and also the Arabs happy. They don’t want to help Iranians or solve the problems. These bastards still live in the Slavery Age and the Colonialism Age. Recently, they have sold about 20 billion dollar weapons to the Arabs. Who is better than the Mullahs for them? Their companies sell their weapons, and the Arabs are happy too, because the Mullahs destroy Iran. Who knew Dubai in 1970s? A shitty desert that became something just because of the Mullahs” Farid: “Will Obama be elected again?” Kia: “Who cares? It’s not important. There is no alternative in the US. The intellectuals have slept there. Such a nightmare, some are Chomsky’s fans and some are religious fanatics. Many live like sheep. They know nothing about the roots of their problems, as they know nothing about what Obama did in 2009 and how he betrayed the great anti-Mullah movement.” Farid: “Obama is a jerk. But I think many Americans know him now. I hope they know what Obama did with Iran and Iranians in 2009” Kia: “The idiots in the outside world are like the idiots here. You can be sure that they know nothing about Obama’s strategic mistakes, or how he betrayed Iranians in 2009” Farid: “But they can find many things about this issue in the internet” Kia: “No, you can’t find many things. The mass media and the main websites censor almost every serious thing. They brainwash the idiots” Farid: “But some ask me: ‘why Iranians repeat that Obama and the west betrayed them. We know it. You should not repeat this over and over’ What it means?” Kia: “Being idiot is a big problem, but the bigger problem is that they don’t know that they are idiot. Many know nothing about what happened in 2009 and who betrayed who, and what was the main problem. But unfortunately they don’t want to know the truth. When you talk about this matter, you think “Yasin tu Gooshe Khar Mikhuni” that means they don’t understand what you say, but they just pretend that they understand you.” Farid: “Yah, some idiots in the west tell me over and over: ‘Iranians are Islamist. They love the Mullahs. The 2009 movement was an Islamist movement. Obama and others helped Iranians a lot, and so on’ I really don’t know why they are so stupid and so ignorant” Kia: “The stupidity and the idiots are global problems. The mass media and the fake intellectuals abuse this weak points, and brainwash the idiots. And when the world has many idiots, nothing will change. There is no hope.” Farid: “Recently, some just ask me to not speak about the problems. They say it’s boring or it’s absurd. They say we should stop talking about the issues. But why? We should stop talking about the main problems, when many have not understood them yet? It’s so stupid” Kia: “Yah, many pretend they know the main problems, while they themselves are part of the main problems. They are idiot and ignorant, and live like sheep. They themselves are part of the problem. Of course, you can help the ordinary people, but not the charlatan and those who only pretend that they care about the truth.”

Mina: “Hi you guys? what are talking about?” Kia: “Hi, we talk nonsense (Kos-Sher Migim) and busy ourselves with it. What did you do?” Farid: “Yah, we talked about this shitty world and other shitty things, what did you do?” Mina: “I talked nonsense, too; with some stupid guys here and there”. Farid: “Wow, when I say to you that you should not hang out with Kia, you say why. Just look at your words Mina. Sooner or later you want to kill yourself, too” Mina: “I want to kill myself right now. I know that I’m idiot, but I’m not an idiot like these Khayemals and these disgusting creatures here” Kia: “Apparently, what Farid says is true. You should just go to the party, and enjoy your life. We, not you, should talk about the annoying shitty things and f-u-c-k ourselves and our life with it. You must go and enjoy your life; Forget other things” Mina: “Are you kidding? I know I’m idiot, but I’m not like these idiots” Farid: “Yah, you are a lovely genius idiot” Kia: “We all are idiot. Some are genius idiot, some are lovely idiot, and some are bitter stupid idiot like me. It’s the jungle of idiots”. Mina: “Their internet connection here is broken. I have the same problem in home. Do you have the same problem?” Farid: “Yah, the Mullahs badly have f-u-c-k-ed up the internet. I even can’t check my emails” Kia: “F-u-c-k you Obama. Their western companies sell the censorship and surveillance tools to the Mullahs, and Obama makes love with the Mullah TV and the Mullah embezzlers in Washington, but now they talk nonsense about the war or the sanctions. Motherf-u-c-k-er bastard, Obama.” Farid: “The world and the media do nothing. Why they censor our news and say nothing and do nothing?” Kia: “When they sell the Mullahs the censorship tools and the surveillance tools, what do you expect from them? The western mass media are like the Iranian baboons’ media, They are so hypocrite, so liar, and so unreliable. But I don’t know why the good guys or the wise people in the west say nothing and do nothing. It’s really horrible.” Mina: “Maybe, they know nothing about our problems here”. Farid: “And maybe they don’t care about us. Many don’t want to know the truth, including our problems here. Many are idiots and don’t want to accept the truth”. Mina: “Why they don’t want to accept the truth?” Farid: “maybe because the truth is scary. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Those who are brainwashed don’t want to accept the truth”. Kia: “Some are ignorant; some feel guilty; many are brainwashed. But I really don’t know why the wise guys, the wise good guys, are silent and do nothing. The good guys are inactive or indifferent, but the bad guys are very active. It’s really horrible.” Farid: “Yah, It’s a great tragedy”. Mina: “What did you do about selling your works, Kia? Did you succeed in earning some money?” Kia: “The Khayemals only work with the Khayemals, and the money is in Khayemali (Kissing Ass). It’s the only successful business in Iran. ‘Kiss the Mullahs’ ass and Become Millionaire’, it’s the motto of this gathering”. Mina: “What do you want to do now?” Kia: “Nothing, as usual. You forget everything and have a happy life, but me forget only the money, and have a shitty life. I don’t know why some idiots like me can’t forget everything and can’t have a shitty happy life. I can earn good money, if I can forget everything, But I can’t. I’m really stupid.” Farid: “When you know more, you have more pain.” Mina: “That’s why it’s said that the crazy nuts are the happiest people”. Kia: “Oh, no. Lets’ forget it. Let’s be crazy nuts. Let’s enjoy this shitty smoky weather. Let’s say happy new year to each other and wish ourselves a happy year. Otherwise, we all should go and kill ourselves”

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