The Story of Western Countries & Iranian Baboons

In these days, many Iranians inside Iran are angry at the Iranian expats and the western politicians. We and many other Iranians have heard a lot of stories about the western hypocrisy, the Iranian baboons and the special relation between the western countries and the Iranian baboons. So, we decide to collect part of these true stories, and write a fictional story about the Iranian baboons and their western supporters. What you read here, is a short story, a fictional story that is based on many true stories. In fact, “The story of western countries and Iranian baboons” is a short story about part of the Iranian tragedy in these years. It’s a story about an imaginary western country, XLand, and its relations with Iranians and the Iranian baboons. It shows part of the tragic situation in Iran, and how Iranians live in the Mullah age, and how the western hypocrisy and the Iranian baboons’ stupidity and charlatanism make problems for Iranians. What you read here, is a fictional story, but what many Iranians feel, see, or hear is very bitter and really darker than this fictional story. It will be published in two parts, and here are the first part:

In Front of XLand’s Embassy

When Sohrab, Masoud, and Akbar met with each others in front of the embassy of XLand, it was a great surprise. They were in their teens, when they were close friends, but now after 20 years, they are mature adults and hardly know each other. They have changed, but their personalities and their main characteristics are still like 20 years ago. Now, Sohrab is an independent thinker. His friends still say he thinks a lot, more than it’s needed. He is open-minded and considers himself as a global citizen, not an Iranian. He hates many things in Iran, including hypocrite, sycophant, or stupid Iranians or the stupid Iranian traditions, but his views about other parts of the world are like his views about Iran and Iranians, that means he can see both the weak points and the strong points of each country and each nation. He believes all people in all around the world are like each other and there is not any serious difference between Iranians and non-Iranians. He thinks good guys and bad guys are found everywhere. In front of XLand’s embassy in Tehran, where the people wait in a long queue and the doormen and guards treat them like animals, Sohrab criticizes the embassy’s staff for their shameful behaviors. He is also angry at stupid Iranians who disgrace others. But Masoud only criticizes Iranians and Akbar tries to be pragmatist. Masoud says: “We all deserve to be treated like this. Iranians are very stupid, and the XLand people are wise and should treat us like animals”. Sohrab: “haha. Masoud are you still idiot? but others are not like you, man. Don’t talk nonsense about XLand, when you know nothing about there. Do you know XLand and its people?” Masoud: “Yah, they are really wise and civilized, more than Iranians. I know it.” Akbar: “We should find a way to enter the embassy without waiting in this stupid queue.” Masoud: “If you can find a solution, I kiss your balls”. Sohrab: “There is always a back door. But what happens to this stupid system, and these poor people?” Akbar: “We can not solve the problem for others” Masoud: “Sohrab, you still are idiot and want to save the world? You haven’t changed, man. Lets find a solution for ourselves. Who cares about these idiots.” Sohrab: “Oh, Masoud, No. Why do you think you are not one of these idiots? or among those who have fucked up this damn country? I don’t have any problem with finding the back door. But don’t forget when their embassy has a back door, it means corruption”. Masoud: “Who cares? I just want to get rid of this damn country. I don’t care about other issues”. Sohrab: “Oh, really? since when you’ve hated this country, Masoud chauvinist? when it came back into fashion? You know that when you were chauvinist and loved this damn country and all its stupidities, I hated it. When you talked nonsense about the national pride, I had serious problems with here. You two, know that I hate the stupidities of this damn country, more than you. But I don’t want to get rid of here at any price, by kissing ass or by selling myself. I want to go there to live like human. If I wanted to live like animal, I would stay here“. Akbar: “I think, in this way you can’t get your visa. Anyway, lets find the back door”.

The Iranian Baboons …

Finally after some weeks, Akbar found the backdoor, and the three old friends could enter the embassy building. Of course, now they don’t seem like friends. Masoud is not like Sohrab. His friends say that Masoud is “Ahl Bakhieh”, that generally means he is very hypocrite and sycophant. Masoud loves to pretend that he is an intellect, while his friends know that the last book he has read is a novel, “Iranian Titanic: A Love Story “, in 10 years ago. Masoud can’t think independently, but he is master at pretending and playing game. He follows the latest fashion. He always dresses like the western scholars or the western actors or the western models. He can afford to follow the latest fashion. His family have become rich, by what Iranians call “Emdad Gheybi ! ” (Divine Intervention !) that means ’embezzlement, dirty tricks, etc’. When the naive people see Masoud and his gestures, they think he is an important figure or an intellectual. Akbar has a different story. Akbar and his family were Islamist. In the past years he has worked for some Mullah organizations, and some high rank Mullahs. During the age of the Islamic reform, he became an Islamist-Reformist, and he could change his life and became a rich man, of course with “Emdad Gheybi”. In fact, many think 99% of Iranians become rich by “Emdad Gheybi”. Akbar, Masoud, and many others don’t have any problem with “Emdad Gheybi”. The people who have problem with “Emdad Gheybi”, like Sohrab, are rare, really rare. Akbar and Masoud both believe that kissing ass is the key to success. And the people who have problem with kissing ass, like Sohrab, are rare, really rare. Akbar’s friends say: “Now, Akbar is an Islamist and an atheist, at the same time. It means that all things are depend on where the wind is blowing.” Akbar himself believes that he is a pragmatist, and when Sohrab asks him: “pragmatist? what do you mean?” he says: “I mean, I can work for the Mullahs, Basij, Monarchists, Pahlavists, Islamists, reformists, terrorists, etc and earn money, while I’m a liberal and atheist”. Sohrab: “So, Pragmatism is Khayemalism ?!! (kissing ass)“. Masoud: “We, the pragmatists, don’t want to be called Khayemal, because it’s not high class. But we all should be Khayemal and kiss bosses’ ass, otherwise we can’t live in this damn country, and in this world. We become loser.” Akbar believes that he has a high EQ. When Akbar refers to EO, Sohrab asks him: “EQ? What do you know about EQ?” Akbar: “I have read some articles about it. EQ means the ability to be popular and to be successful. It means, you know how you can impress others in a way that they see only what is necessary or useful, that means they see only what you want, not what you really are, or not your real intentions or your real emotions, etc”. Sohrab: “Oh, boy, it’s not EQ; it’s charlatanism”. Masoud: “so, I think EQ means the ability to be a good hypocrite or a good charlatan; that’s all”. Sohrab: “Apparently, you think some international concepts are high class excuse to justify yourselves. Anyway, lets go and ask XLandis what we should do now, after submitting the damn forms and documents. Let’s go and ask how they issue the damn visa of XLand”. Akbar:” Lets go, but I have asked them before, and apparently we would have some interviews for getting visa”.

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Interview for visa

Apparently Akbar has been able to find another backdoor solution for himself, because in the interview’s day, his interview finished quickly, and he left the embassy while he was very happy. And now, Masoud has the same feeling and is very happy. “Sohrab, take it easy. My questions were so easy and I only had to say yes or no. If you were smart, you can give your visa very easily, don’t worry”, Masoud says this and leaves the embassy. Now, it’s Sohrab’s turn. He enters the interview room and after greeting and a few questions, one of the interviewer, Karl, says: “We checked your documents. There is not any problem. But you should answer some questions”. The other interviewer, Jeny, says: “We took a look at your collections, your unpublished works, and I think they show that you are an open-minded Iranian. I know your problems here, and as you know, for you and other Iranians who have the same conditions, there are very limited ways for entering XLand and living there legally. Actually Iranians can not go to XLand or live there, but we can help you. We can grant you some kind of asylum in XLand. I know you are not a chauvinist, be let me ask you, can you help us and XLand, or are you a nationalist?” Sohrab: “I’m not a nationalist; I’m a globalist. I really want to help all humans in all around the world.” The third interviewer, Kate, says: “We mean, can you help our government? I mean, if our politicians ask for your help, what do you say?” Sohrab: “As you know, I’m not a political activist. I hate politics”. Jeny: “But many of your people and those we had interview with them today are not political activists, but they are ready to help our government. They think it’s better for their own country, too. Your people, even the Mullahs and the Islamists, don’t think like you” Sohrab: “Oh, no. They are not my people. I’m not responsible for them, and you should not connect me with them. It’s so obvious that you can be European and hate many European things. And you can be Iranian and hate many Iranian things, including stupid people and stupid traditions.” Kate: “OK. But the Islamic regime is your regime, and you have created it. Your regime has created many problems for us. And Iranians are your people and have many problems, and have created many problems for us” Sohrab: “No, they are not my regime or my people. I didn’t create this regime. Why you want to punish me for others’ mistakes? They are responsible for their own problems. If I’m responsible for others’ mistake, then you would be responsible for the mistakes of Fascists, Nazis, Far rights, and many other stupid people in the west. Are you ready to accept this? I’m a free man. And I’m not a political activist. And I hate all stupid, hypocrite and sycophant Iranians.” Jeny: “So, it means you don’t want to help us” Sohrab: “No, I’m a free man, a global citizen. I help all humans. Everywhere that I see a problem or stupidity, I will not defend it. If Iranians wanted to support tyranny or colonialism in the west, I would protest against them and would defend your rights. For me, all human beings are equal, and I don’t defend a special race or color. I hate those humans, Iranians or non-Iranians, who are chauvinist or racist or narrow-minded localist. I think the world needs more open-minded people and more global citizens.” Karl: “OK, thanks, I think we have got our answers. We contact you soon.”

After interview for visa

After six weeks, the embassy of XLand declares that Akbar and Masoud can get their visa within a month, but Sohrab should go for a second interview. Sohrab can guess the reason, but he can not believe it. Sohrab’s close friend, Nahid, can not accept what has happened, too. She says: “Does XLand accept some one like Akbar or Masoud, but they can not accept some one like Sohrab? What it means? I thought XLand has not the problems of this damn country, or at least they can understand the difference between gold and copper; Was it a stupid illusion?” Sohrab: “I don’t know, but I think all people have right to choose where they want to live, without any stupid restriction”. Nahid: “yes, but under these damn conditions, what XLand has done is really unacceptable”. Sohrab: “It’s really ridiculous that we can’t live like the people in the west. They can pack their suitcase today, and go to XLand tomorrow. They can stay there 3 to 6 months, before they decide what they want to do. But in this damn country…” Nahid: “only the Mullahs enjoy this sort of facilities, and others should wait about 1 year for a 2 weeks tourist visa, and many can not get this visa! But I thought XLand would be happy to accept some one like you, and you can easily go there and live there like a modern human. What XLand did to you is really unfair.” Sohrab: “Lets wait and see what will happen. Now, I should go and see what they say” ….. When Sohrab enters the interview room, he only sees Karl. Karl says he has asked others to give Sohrab a new chance. Sohrab can’t understand what it means, but finally after a half of hour discussions, Karl says: “If I want to be honest, I should say that we don’t need intellectual or open-minded person in XLand, we need a good boy who listen to what we say; can you understand what I mean?” Sohrab: “I don’t know. Maybe you need mercenary”. Karl: “No, no, not like this. We can use better words. I think you know Akbar and Masould, don’t you?” Sohrab: “Yes, we were friends in our teens”. Karl: “They solved their problems very easily and now they can go to XLand, but you have to remain here, while you are more talented.” Sohrab: “So, what it means? Shall I sell myself like them? If I wanted to sell myself, I would be one of the Mullah’s men, and I could have everything, even your visa, without coming here, or without any interview. But I hate the people who sell themselves or kiss the bosses’ ass. The life is short, and I don’t want to be among the people that I’ve hated them since my childhood, and they are the main responsible for the damn problems in this damn country and in this damn world”. Karl: “I had a friend who was like you. He died some years ago. You remind me of him. So, I should tell you that Kate and Jeny and others will not allow you to get your visa.” Sohrab: “I thought XLand is not like here” Karl: “Oh, yah. But everywhere has its own problems”. Sohrab: “Can I go to XLand and live there like a free open-minded human?” Karl: “I like to say Yes, but …”. Sohrab: “Oh, no. I thought XLand respects the rule of law, and XLand is not like this damn country” Karl: “You always can find legal excuses very easily. What Jeny and Kate want to do is legal and you can’t protest. I’m honest with you, because you have been honest with me and you remind me of my old friend.” Sohrab:” Thanks. I don’t know what should I say” Karl: “Please think more about what I said, and let me know your final answer in Wednesday”.

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