As Woody Allen says: “With comedy you can buy yourself out of the problems of life and diffuse them. In tragedy, you must confront them and it is painful. And we know that life is tragedy”, so lets buy ourselves out of the problems of life and the shitty world, and read some of his sarcastic/black jokes about the tragedy of life, etc:
When I bought my penthouse on Fifth Avenue, in the 1970s, I was a nightclub comic and just starting to make films. I paid a song for it. It was like $600,000. Twenty years later, when I sold it I got $13 million. Then in 1999 We bought a town house for $17.9 million in the Upper East Sides Carnegie Hill neighborhood -a big town house, 20,000 sq feet (1850 sq meter). We had 29 telephones. I sold it in 2004 for $24 million. I made more money in real estate than Ive ever made from movies . I was petrified of moving into a house. I felt that in a co-op I was protected by the doorman and the building, and I thought in a house anyone could get in and bludgeon me to death in my bed at night. After a month in the house I wished someone would come in and bludgeon me to death. It would be a relief. Its so difficult to do a house
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy
I feel s-e-x is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty
Film-making – to be a film director, you know is not a democracy it’s really a tyranny. Being creative is not democracy, it’s tyranny.
There is an inexplicable delight in the act of creating. In the sense that if a guy paints a canvas… You know, I’ve done this sometimes where I’ve gone and bought a lot of paints and just for the fun of it had an orgy of painting. I mean, I can’t paint at all.
Finally you find out that great success does not change your life in any meaningful way and failure doesn’t change your life in any meaningful way.
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them
I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
There’s nothing good about getting older-absolutely nothing-because the amount of wisdom and experience you gain is negligible compared to what you lose. You do gain a couple of things-you gain a little bittersweet and sour wisdom from your heartbreaks and failures and things-but what you lose is so catastrophic in every way
When youre worried about this joke, and this costume, and this wig, and that location, and the dailies, youre not worried about death and the brevity of life.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly
You raise a child and you hope that shes not going to come back and say, I did a thing in my journalism class on Charles Manson and weve fallen in love, Im going to marry him”
I work all the time because its a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting at home and obsessing morbidly. If I just got up in the morning and had no work to do, I would be sitting there and be thinking of the same thing that Anthony Hopkins’s character (in “You will meet a tall dark stranger”) thought off when he woke up in the middle of the night. You start thinking gee what is the purpose of life? Why is everything finite? Why do we get old and die? Why is it so tragic, why do our loved ones perish? Why do we degenerate? Who wants to think about that stuff?
So Im thinking about, gee, if I call Josh Brolin will he be available for this? I dont know Lucy, will she be able to do this as well as I think she will? These are all problems that you can solve and it makes you feel that you have some control over your life and if you dont solve them and it turns out that one of them was wrong for the part, whats the worse that happens? You have a bad movie, but you dont die. Thats why I keep making movies
Ive led a very, very privileged life and out of pure luck. Im the first one to say it. People are often not honest about it, but the truth of the matter is that you are very dependent on … you need luck. It’s a very, very important part of your life, and you don’t acknowledge that. You feel personally that, in a number of ways, I really havent lived up to the luck that Ive had. Im totally cognizant of the fact that Ive just been completely lucky.
the writing is great because in the writing you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you’re writing. When I write at home the film is always a masterpiece at that point.
I feel that if you solved all the political problems in the world, and solved all the relationship problems, and nobody was starving and everyone was living in peace and all of that, we would still have existential issues.
To live with the awful truth, we’re endowed with a denial mechanism. Some people have less of a denial mechanism than others, but without it, if you faced the real truth all the time, it’s very, very unpleasant
You are in this horrible world and for an hour and a half you duck into a dark room and its air-conditioned and the sun is not blinding you and you leave the terror of the universe behind and you are completely transported into an escapist situation. The women are beautiful, the men are witty and heroic, nobody has terrible problems and this is a delightful escapist thing, and you leave the theatre refreshed. Its like drinking a cool lemonade and then after a while you get worn down again and you need it again. It seems to me that making escapist films might be a better service to people than making intellectual ones and making films that deal with issues